Horenstein Family Law Blog

More Divorce Myths
Posted: January 11, 2010

1. I will never be happy again after the divorce. Actually, I could not do this work if I believed people were never happy again. Most clients are happier even though they often have less money and have to make changes such as going to work or working less to be a better parent. A destructive negative relationship takes a toll on a person: not only is it emotionally miserable, it can make you sick. The stress can give you high blood pressure, interfere with your sleep. Most people tell me they are sorry they had to divorce, but that it was necessary and in the end, they are happier. Sure, do I wish like you do that your marriage could have survived, that you could have been happy together, absolutely. But by the time I meet you, the damage is done, you have worked with counselors and your church to try and save your marriage and you and your spouse are still miserable and a divorce is necessary. I hear so many stories of former spouses becoming friends, of even traveling together with new spouses, of former spouses taking care of each other when they are ill or I hear stories of simply finding peace that motivates me to help people get through this process as easily as possible.
2. Children always suffer when their parents divorce. This is not always true and this is why. If you and your spouse have been good parents and you remain good parents, the stress of the family dynamics changing can occur without absolute suffering. I do not minimize the impact a divorce has on children nor do I wish to say it is better to stay married for the children because the research is mixed and I see children suffer from bad parenting even where there is no divorce in the family. I see children blossom once the parents divorce and the stress of the poor marriage goes away. There are so many books and classes and resources to help parents manage the children’s feelings when a divorce occurs. In particular, Clark County has a class, Parents Forever Parenting Through Divorce that I recommend held the third Saturday of every month. See http://www.centerpointresolution.net/ClassSchedules.html .I stand by this idea: loving good parents can and do take wonderful care of their children no matter what happens in the parent’s lives including divorce.
3. Mothers always get the children. Fathers will never see them. This is not true. The law says it is in the best interests of the children to have a relationship with both parents and the parenting plans used by the courts provide for all sorts of contact with the children for both parents. For example, you might have your children for 10-12 days out of a month instead of the every other weekend schedule. You might be the stay at home father who cared for the children while the mother worked. You could “get the children” more. Or more commonly you and your wife equally co parented the children and that will continue through and after the divorce.
4. I will have to support my former wife forever or now she finally has to get a job. This is a common myth. Rarely would someone have to be supported forever. Your spouse would have to be sick or old or you would have to have so much money that it was fair for you to support her forever. AS far as her having to get a job: maybe, maybe not. It depends on so many factors: how much money you earn, how long the marriage is, age of children, work history of both parties and both of your expenses, your ages. There are very few absolutes in the area of family law
5. My retirement is mine. This is such a common myth and it is held by both people. Spouses understand that the income they earn from work during the marriage is shared but somehow they believe that the future retirement belongs only to the person who earned it. Spouses often say, “Well, I don’t want his retirement, he worked at the mill everyday, it is his.” Men often say, “She is not getting my retirement, it is mine, and she never worked a day in her life why should she get part of that.” The retirement benefit is an asset of the marriage if it was earned during the marriage and depending on the type of retirement can be worth thousands and thousands of dollars to you over time. In fact, given the housing market, it may be the most valuable asset of the marriage. But go ahead, let him or her have it all if you like, let that person have the 1000 a month for thirty years (yes, about $360,000) you are entitled to just because it was “his”. I will give you the advice not to give it up but it is your choice.

Disclaimer: This blog is written and published by The Scott Horenstein Law Firm and primarily written by Dru S. Horenstein for educational purposes only, i.e. to give information and a general understanding of Washington family law, not to provide specific legal advice. The information provided by this blog should not be used as a substitute for legal advice from a licensed attorney in your state. Dru S. Horenstein is licensed to practice law in the State of Washington only.

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The Scott Horenstein Law Firm, PLLC provides experienced legal counsel to clients with family law and personal injury needs in Washington. Our office is located in Vancouver and assists clients in Vancouver, Camas, Battle Ground, Ridgefield, La Center, Amboy, Yacolt, Washougal, Woodland, and throughout Clark County, Washington. Call Today For An Initial Consultation: 360-699-1530.

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